When I opened my eyes at 5:30 on Tuesday morning, the very first thing I thought was, “Dammit. I DO NOT want to go to work tonight.”
That is SO not a way to start the day.
Now, I know sometimes, jobs just suck. It happens. I don’t expect to want to go to work every. single. day. But I also don’t think it’s healthy for me to be filled up with so much dread and despair that it overflows and fills my whole entire day with anxiety.
I knew, for sure, that I wanted to quit my job about six months ago. Some stuff went down. I couldn’t get right with it. The place I had once loved and been proud to work in had become a toxic environment for me. It was time to go. Unfortunately, I couldn’t just quit that night like I wanted to. I mean, I could have, but it wouldn’t have been a very good idea.
I did, however, immediately set things in motion so getting to the point where I could quit was both possible and responsible. Please, because I’m putting this one on the record, understand that this is a very big deal for me. This is not normally the way I operate. Ideas and concepts like time, patience and planning are very new to me. I’ve been known to make choices without, you know, thinking about their consequences. Letting my temper or hurt feelings, or both, take over. It has caused me a lot of heartache. I didn’t want this to be one more decision I’d look back on and wish I had done differently.
So, I found a new job. One I absolutely adore. Working days. With people I love. And for six months I worked them both.
Some days were harder than others, but with the endless support of our amazing friends and family, we made it. Barely. I lightened my load at the job I wanted to quit and slowly but surely, got to a place where I was no longer dependent on the money. I’m not going to write a how-to or anything, but I’m pretty proud of myself. This is one of those “Giant Leap” kind of moments in my world. One of those things I do every once in a while and think, “WHOA! That was totally grown-up”.
Six months proved to be all we could handle, though, and it was starting to take a toll on the whole family. Jeremy started a new job in November, working nights. The boys were worn out from being shuffled, I was worn out from the shuffling, and we were never all four in the same room at the same time. I missed my family and they missed me. Me working nights had worked for a long, long time…until one day it didn’t.
So, on Tuesday night, I quit.
I think Logan was as excited as I was. We both knew that the shuffling was over and he would be back at home, in his own bed at bedtime, every night. Thursday afternoon was better, though. When I picked him up from school he asked me, “Who’s house are we going to now?” I smiled and said, “Our house, silly. Mommy doesn’t work nights anymore, remember?” His mini-me eyes lit up and he smiled back and said, “Ooooohhhh yeahhhhhhh.”
It’s still not exactly a traditional schedule. Not one we’ll do forever. But we’re not talking about forever, here. We’re talking about right now. We will do it this way right now because that’s what’s best. That’s what’s working.
Tonight, we are all four at home together. On a Saturday Night. I did not want to ruin our fun, quality family time by trying to cook, wrestle Brodie, answer 1 million questions from Logan and yelling the phrase “Baaaaaaabe…When you’re done with that, can you Please come get Your kids.” So, we had Jack-in-the-Box for dinner. Before the boys went to bed Grandma and my nieces came over and we played Wii Bowling. (I totally bowled Pro)
Everyone is under the same roof at the same time. Equally important, it’s Saturday night and I am NOT bitterly slaving away at a job I had grown to despise. And I have closure about it. Not because I went out in a giant blaze of glory, like I thought I wanted to do, but because I'm learning about calm and rational instead.
What. A. Concept.
The question came up, more than once, on whether or not I could afford to quit. The BF, Megan, gave the best answer on this one…
“She couldn’t afford not to.”
She’s totally right.