I’ve been known to suffer from the more than occasional
bout of depression. The clinical kind. The baby blues kind. The oh my god why is this happening to me, what
the hell is wrong with me kind. I’m no stranger to lows. Sometimes they’ve
required medication, sometimes they’ve required major life changes and
sometimes they’ve required a simple solution of un-slumping. The point is: I
get sadness. I understand anxiety. I am well aware of what it feels like to be
an emotional mess.
When my sister in law, Meganne, was getting ready to give
birth to my nephew a few weeks ago, I called my brother, Austin, and told him, “Please
be warned that your Love may be an emotional mess for awhile. Please don’t take
anything she says personal for at least the next six months. Hormones are the
devil. If she tells you that you are messing anything up or that you are
worthless, I promise she doesn’t mean it. She really does love you. I promise.”
I’ve been there. At that point, I had given birth twice. I
had brought two babies home from the hospital. I had cried over the smallest
things and yelled over the smallest things and lost my shit over the smallest
things. When I brought Brodie home, I cried for weeks over just about
everything. I spent a lot of time on the couch thinking, “I can’t do this. I’m
outnumbered. I’m not going to be able to keep up. I’ve made a mistake in
thinking I could be a mother to two children. They deserve better than me.”
And I believed it.
While I know there were also times where I was happy, where
I was grateful, where I was overjoyed, those times often get overshadowed by
the sadness, by the tears, by the hormonal mess that was Krysten during those
times in my life.
Currently, I’m dealing with something very different.
Something I’m not as familiar with. Something that I want to make note of so
that next week if I find myself on the couch, crying, thinking that I’m even more outnumbered, I can always remember
where I was today. And today I’m dealing with something I’ve started calling
Postpartum Elation.
It sounds a little like this. And yes, these are actual
things that have come out of my mouth the last few days since I gave birth to
Miss Elizabeth Everdeen Nunn…
“I feel like my heart is going to burst open and rainbows
and butterflies are going to pop out.”
“I want to bottle up the feeling in my insides right now so
I can share them with everyone in the world.”
“I love you. And you. And you. And you. I love everyone.”
“This is what life is all about, right here, this moment,
nothing else in the world matters but this.”
“I want to hug everyone.”
I know, corny right?
I. can’t. help. it.
Because I know that hormones can play tricks on anyone, I
will admit that I’m a little skeptical of these feelings. Sometimes I fear that
at any moment the bottom is going to fall out and my high is going to become a
low. Maybe because I’ve done low before, maybe because I know hormones have a
mind of their own, maybe because I believe I can’t possibly stay happy for long
periods of time. Whatever reason, I’m not delusional enough to think there aren’t
going to be rough days, hard moments, overwhelming situations, anxiety attacks
but, today? Today those things are nowhere to be found and all I have is the
beyond blissful good stuff.
And I wanted to write it out because, as Kurt Vonnegut says, "I urge you to please notice when you
are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I
don't know what is.'"
And it is. It is SO NICE
to be here. To feel this way. To have this life. To have this family. To have
this feeling. And no matter what happens tomorrow, I will always know I had it
today.
My water broke at 11 pm. When Jeremy and I got to the hospital, we literally got a mad case of the giggles. We laughed for an hour straight.
In love. On impact. I didn't know just how bad I wanted her until she got here.
A BOW!!
And then there were three.
Celebrating our Ten Year Anniversary in the hospital with Chili's take out and cuddling in a hospital bed.
And I just had to share.
Happy Tuesday, Friends
go. do. be.
WoW Krysten~ What an incredibly well written story! I loved it. You don't know me but I have been friends with Roxy since we were kids, so I feel like I know you. Postpartum has been experienced by me as well and at different births. Having five kids I have felt everything you explained, depression and elation, sometimes at the same time. Those hormones are the devil sometimes. Great advice you shared with Austin. It is vitally important to get the word out to all who may suffer. Thanks for sharing. Kelly
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