I try really hard not to get on a soap box very often,
especially here at Consider Me Krysten (I usually save it for Jeremy) but,
there is something that is weighing on my heart so heavily today that I can’t
help but write about it.
I have noticed something else, however, and here’s where the
soapbox comes in:
Women are mean to each other.
Okay, not all of them and not all the time but, women are
mean.
I am lucky enough to have been raised by a woman who taught
me the value of, “take what you want and
leave the rest” when it comes to people’s opinions and advice. I don’t take
stuff too personally and I don’t often let other people talk me into second
guessing myself when it comes to the way I parent. I do what works for me and
my children and I pretty much always have. I’ve made it this far and I figure
if it ain’t broke, leave it the hell alone, right?
But, I know some women who are not built like I am. Some
women, especially those with new babies, don’t have the same thick skin I do
and they take stuff really, really personally.
When a woman goes to a forum online to ask a simple
question, she wants you to answer that question with your experience, strength
and hope. She wants you to be kind and tactful and answer the question, just the question, without offering
anything else. When a woman posts a picture of the first time she feeds her
baby rice cereal, she wants you to notice how cute her little bug is. She wants
you to tell her that the bib is cute, the spoon is cool and comment how big and
beautiful her baby is. She DOES NOT want you to tell her that she is causing
her child to have type 1 diabetes by giving him rice cereal too early. She DOES
NOT want you to tell her that she is making a mistake by doing A, B, C or D
with her child. When you see a picture of a kid with a pacifier in his or her
mouth or a child wearing pull-ups or, God Forbid, a diaper, later than you think
they should, the mother who posted the picture DOES NOT need you to comment
that it’s time to lose the Bink or use the ‘Big Potty’. I promise you, that kid
is not going to go to high school still sucking on a Dummy (that’s the UK word,
I like it) or wearing a Nappy (Also UK terminology. I want to be British, didn’t
you know?)
The human race has survived for hundreds of thousands of
years because women are pretty good at trusting their guts when it comes to raising
their children. That is, unless, they have a head full of other women telling
them that they are severely effing stuff up.
Yes, I know we’ve now decided that Rice Cereal is the Devil.
Yes, I know that having a pacifier too long will give you jacked up teeth. Yes,
I know that potty training is important. Yes, I know that you believe
breastfeeding is the ONE AND
ONLY WAY. Period. But, please, for the sake of mothers everywhere…
SHUT. UP.
I’m serious. Unless you are specifically asked for your
opinion or have something encouraging to say, shut up. Motherhood is a hard
gig. The last thing that new mommy on that message board needs is your unsolicited
advice, opinion or two cents (or three or four) about how she’s doing something
wrong.
Is she shaking her baby? Did she confess to leaving her baby
locked in a car for an hour? Did she put her baby outside with the dog and take
off to Vegas for three days? No? Then leave. her. alone.
The sad part is, it’s not just online that I see this. I’ve
been witness to it in real life since I started having children almost seven
years ago. Women thinking that they have the right, or hell, the obligation, to give other moms advice
about what to do with their kids. I’ve seen it rip apart decade long
friendships, sibling relationships, mother/daughter bonds. It’s sad.
And I’m fed up with it.
If you see a mommy doing something that you’re just absolutely
positive is not working and you really, really, really think you have a better way, try something like this:
You know, I went
through that with my kid. It was really tough. _______ worked really well for
us. You could try it. What’s the worse that could happen? If it doesn’t work, I’m
sure you’ll figure something else out. You’re the mom, after all. You know what’s
best for your kid.
You see what I did there? I shared experience, strength and
hope without straight out calling that mom a dumbass or playing on her already
unstable insecurities. It’s not rocket science, ladies.
Motherhood is something that needs to be owned, and owned
outright, bold and courageously but, everyone has to own their own brand. My
way will not work for you and your way will not work for me. We have different
kids. You have different kids than that mom in your play group or your
sister-in-law or your co-worker. What works for one is NOT going to work for
all of them.
They are different people.
Different little people with their own quirks and comfort
levels. There is no one-size-fits-all for motherhood any more than there is for
anything else.
Do you fall asleep with the television on? Sleep with a fan?
Blankets on? Blankets off? Wear pajamas? Sleep naked? Start your day with a cup
of coffee? A cup of tea? A jog? Some orange juice? Do you do better with a big
breakfast or a small one? Keep your AC on all the time or your windows open? Do
you like the taste of peas? Carrots? Brussels Sprouts?
Could you imagine harping on a woman in your life because
she had different answers to these questions than you do? (If you answered yes, we probably wouldn’t be friends
anyway. Please go away)
Probably not. So, why oh why do you care so much how she
does them with her baby, her toddler or her school aged child?
Contrary to what I see, read or hear on a daily basis, we’re
all supposed to be on the same side. We’re mothers. We really are doing the
most important job there is. We are bringing up the next generation of people. The
people who are going to take care of us when we’re old. The people who are
going to take care of our world when we are no longer in it. This is important
work. Doing what works best for our own little people is going to matter in the
long run. The way we raise our own little people is going to matter.
It. Does. Matter.
But it also matters that we’re doing it our own ways and
with our own rhythm. It matters that we’re owning our brand of motherhood and
letting other women own theirs. Sure, we’re supposed to be making sure they
grow up to be good people, good citizens, good husbands and wives and friends
but, I’m pretty sure when you introduce solids, how long your kid has a Dummy
(Huh, huh? British. Bam) or whether or not your kid slept in the living room
floor 6 out of 7 nights a week for seven years has little to do with that.
I’ve read more than one letter on the internet written to
moms who do things differently. They are all a little different but they have
the same general message:
Everyone has their own way of raising their children. You
worry about yours, I’ll worry about mine and everyone will be just fine. If
another mom asks for your opinion, please, by all means, share. If she doesn’t,
just be quiet. Or, here's a thought: Point out the stuff she's doing right (according to you) and give her a high five for it. She needs one, I'm sure. She's a mom, just like you, just like me...
and we’re all doing it just right.
Happy Wednesday, Friends.
go. do. be.
