Boys, Boys. Big and Small

I live with boys.

Big and small.  

My world is full of disgusting smells and funny arm pit noises. There is a hot wheel or a lego or an action figure or a pair of dirty socks around every corner and under every other step. Boys love to watch stuff about blowing things up or ripping them apart or fighting in some epic battle. They point guns at everything. If they don’t have a gun handy, they find something else to turn into a gun. Or turn into a baseball bat or a golf club. Did I mention they think farts are hilarious?

Even the big one.

And they all love my attention. When I laugh at their jokes or scratch their backs. When I listen about video games or football. Books or movies. They want to feel smart and strong. They love to show me tricks and make me applaud.

There are many times I’d like to lock myself in a closed bookstore or get lost in a marathon of Glee or Grey’s Anatomy. I’d like to watch a show in the living room that wasn’t on Discovery Channel or Nickelodeon.  But most times I can’t think of anything I’d rather do than pay attention to them. They are pretty easy to please. They don’t ask for too much and I can usually figure out what they want. They are simple when they are small. They are simple when they are big. They might be a little forgetful, a little inconsiderate. Hey, aren’t we all.  

I’ve always liked boys the best. They all have a pretty universal language. Sure it evolves a little over time, but from birth to adulthood, at least in my world, they don’t really change much. They all tell me I’m beautiful, even Brodie in his own way. The grown up one likes hot food, cold tea and anything relating to combat. The little ones like hot food, cold Capri Suns and anything related to hitting each other with sticks. The grown up one likes being outside, a comfy place to watch TV and sex on a regular basis. The little ones like playing outside, a comfy place to watch TV and being fascinated with their own genitals.

Easy enough.

Sure kids are needy. Babies are needy. They only stay little for awhile. The rest of the time, they’re just boys.  

People always ask me if I’m going to try for one more child. The answer is no. But, they say, don’t you want to try for a girl?

Look…

I LOVE Toddlers and Tiaras. Yes, I said it. I’m not ashamed. That show is hilarious. I love the crazy parents and the glitz and the cute little head bobs and out of control mini-divas. I’m fascinated by Red Bulls for breakfast and flippers and Nini’s! Are you kidding me? What’s not to love? Could I actually BE a pageant mom? OH HECK NO! I would need 15 Xanax just to walk into one of those dress shops! My friend, Megan, knows. She walked me down the girl’s toy aisle at Target and I came pretty close to a full on anxiety attack.

True Story.

I can not manage to keep up with the toenail polish on my own toes. What in the world would I do with a girl? I can barely get from the closet to the car with heels on before I’ve switched to flip-flops. How could I ever teach a girl how to be chic?

I get that girls are great. They’re cute and sparkly and delicate. There clothes are cuter and their hair is prettier. Girls don’t tend to care much about farts or explosives. They do ballet. They Cheer. I’m a girl, I get it.

I believe that if I had a little girl, I’d love her more than life. I’d figure out pig tales and Bubble Guppies. I’m sure we’d enjoy watching Toddlers and Tiaras together. I’d watch her grow and mature and become a woman. I’d teach her everything I know about compassion and honesty and boys and manipulation and Lady Gaga. I’d be happy doing it.

Will I risk my sanity for it? No. A girl would have been fantastic. Duh. But I have boys and I don’t want the parents in my house to be out numbered by the children.

No girl.  

My life is full of boys. Big and small. I can teach them what I know about compassion and honesty and girls and manipulation and yes, even Lady Gaga. I can read books to them and listen to their jokes and teach them about trust and respect. How girls, big and small, are actually a lot simpler than boys make them out to be. They want to be validated. They need attention, too. They like to make you laugh. They want to show you tricks and make you applaud. I can make sure they understand that there is nothing wrong with taking care of themselves and taking care of others. I can encourage them to be strong and smart and polite. Stand by them while they head off into the world and make choices. There are plenty of lessons that both sets need to know.

Girls are awesome but I feel like I have a pretty good handle on my life full of boys. I don’t know how that dude from Sister Wives does it. A house full of women would be CRAZY!    

I’ll always be the only woman in my house. Queen of my castle. Princess of my own fairytale. My world full of boys is often loud and hectic. It can be a little demanding. Sometimes, it smells funny, but I don’t have to share the girl spotlight with anyone.

It’s not a bad place to be.

And hey, at least surrounded by boys, I’m the only one with PMS, right?